We started discussing baby names before we even got married. We knew we’d be having kids, and the societal norm is to give those kids an identifying title. What we didn’t know is how difficult the whole process could be.
There are a few things one needs to consider when preparing
to name a child. First, remember that this is what the child is going to be
called its whole life. That’s what’s going to appear on resumes, official
government documents, tombstones. It’s a fairly permanent thing.
Second, this is what you have to call the kid. If you can’t
say it with a straight face, then you should probably reconsider.
Third, remember that other kids (and heck, adults) can be
merciless and evil. Yes, Barfuss may be a proud family name handed down from
generation to generation, but just stop and think of some possible playground
scenarios.
Fourth, before you go with a fad name, cast your mind
forward into the future a number of years. Alf might’ve sounded great back in ’86,
Neo in ’99, or Katniss last week, but it’s 2014 now and how cool do you think
all of those kids feel now?
Then there’s the whole uniqueness debate and debacle. On one
hand, you’d like to give your child a unique identity. I once encountered a
lady who had named her daughters Caelee and Carlee and was baffled as to why
Grandma had put the wrong name on the birthday present. There is certainly something
to be said for having a bit of originality. On the other hand, there’s original
and then there’s “you just made that up didn’t you?” I think that Utahns and
celebrities are the primary offenders here. We’ve all heard about Gwyneth Paltrow
naming her child Apple, or Nic Cage naming his son Kal-El. But then you also
have people who I swear just throw random syllables together until if you
squint your ears really, really hard it almost just might sound a bit like a
name. The other way this problem is manifest is in by trying to give your child
a unique spelling. Yes, there are many names that have a few different
variations: Eric vs Erik, Allison vs Alison, Sean vs Shaun vs Shawn, Ladasha vs L-a. But some
parents decide that’s not good enough. Perhaps you’ve heard the linguistic joke
that asks how does one spell “fish.” The answer is ghoti—gh as in “tough,” o as
in “women,” and ti as in “nation.” Suddenly you end up with names like
Ahleighvre. What’s worse, is that even baby name websites are encouraging this
trend. I was looking at one site where when you pulled up a name there was a
button you could click called “get creative!” This led to a bunch of unique
spellings and randomly generated names based off of the original. There were
even some without vowels. Without
vowels!! What kind of parent doesn’t love their child enough to put vowels
in their names??
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| You just made Pat Sajak sad, and he doesn't even know why. |
The other big issue in child naming can be summed up with
one little image from Pinterest:
Most of our name hunting actually came from just reading
through long lists of baby names. The problem was as soon as we read one,
either me or the wife would respond with something like “No. I dated too many
of those.” Or “No. Every one of those I’ve ever met has been a jerk.” Or “No. I
already know like a gazillion of those.” Or “No. Do you want our child to
become a stripper?”
And that’s not even taking into account matters of personal preference.
I liked the name Ashley…for a boy. This was met by a response by the wife (and,
well, let’s be honest…just about everybody else) that would’ve made you think I
suggested the name Diarrhea P. Williams.
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| Sorry son, you could've been among the greats... |
The good news is, after months of struggle, thousands of
names from Aaron to Zeniffta we did eventually settle on both boy and girl
names. Boy names were easy, which should’ve been our first clue that the baby
was going to be a girl.
And so, without any further ado, we proudly present the name
we have chosen for the soon to be newest member of the Williams clan:
7-23-5-14-14-1-14
I love it! I hope Calista is starting to feel better :)
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