A Parenting Crisis

The other night I was tossing and turning in bed and was suddenly hit with an incredibly troubling parenting thought. I don’t own Star Wars.

My reasons are equal parts inexcusable and completely justified. Yes, I know that it's a cultural phenomenon. Yes, I grew up watching it every chance I got. Yes, I promise I have every intention of raising my children right. No, it's really not as easy as going to the store and picking up a copy. The difficulty of owning the original version of the Star Wars movies is well documented (such as in the excellent documentary The People vs George Lucas [warning: angered fans use colorful metaphors to express their feelings]) but for those of you who have found so much purpose in life so that you don’t have an hour and a half to waste on an incredibly nerdy Netflix documentary, here’s a quick rundown:

WARNING: INSANE LEVELS OF NERDINESS FOLLOWS

As you may be aware, back in 1977 a little movie came out called Star Wars. It has gone on to become a cultural icon and global enterprise. I personally grew up watching a recorded-off-of-PBS VHS copy that my Grandma had. I just about had the thing memorized. I remember when I discovered that there were TWO MORE OF THESE! Moral of this part of the story is that it was a big deal. And this was not limited to just me.

The issue really started 20 years later. In 1997 Lucas released the “Special Editions” of the Star Wars trilogy. These editions had restored picture and sound, updated special effects, and most unfortunately updates and changes that upset a lot of fans. Nine years later, the trilogy was released on DVD for the first time. We were so, so privileged that then bothered to release the original versions as a “bonus feature.” When the Blu-ray versions came out in 2011, not only were there even more changes, they acted like the original versions were some sort of myth like Atlantis, Bigfoot, or Kanye West's sense of humor.

***CAPTION CENSORED***

For me, the issue isn't so much that he’s made changes. It’s his right as the creator, I suppose. The issue is that there’s a complete disregard for the original versions. Let’s take another bastion of Sci-Fi film, Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner: There are various and sundry versions that exist: international versions, early edits, Director’s cuts, etc. When it was released on Blu-ray in 2006 you could pick up a 5 disc edition. What on earth could one movie have to offer over 5 whole discs? Well, one disc was the original theatrical version, another was the Director’s Cut, and another was the recently made “Final Cut.” Don’t like the re-edit? Pop in another disc and watch the version you do enjoy.

Pictured: An example to us all. Not Pictured: Star Wars.

END RANT

For those reasons (and probably some more), I had never purchased the films. I waited in vain hope that someday the version of Star Wars that I had grown up with would become readily available. But it still hit me hard: how am I supposed to raise my child right if I don’t even have one of the most important pieces of my own life development? 

I quickly took to eBay and tracked down an old DVD copy of the theatrical version. Crisis averted. A bit anti-climactic? Perhaps.  But I slept like a baby after that. And perhaps even more importantly, I feel like I can use this post on my Father of the Year application.

'Nuff said.